A fine line walked and failed

5/27/09

In this situation I cannot make any party completely happy with my actions. Not exactly sure what to do at this point though. More changes for the future that is for sure. It's funny how someone giving what they think is good advice, but instead it only adds to the weight you already feel. Epic fail! So many missteps along the way, only to fail everyone again.

The worst is that I have failed myself and I put myself in this.

I love writing about things that are important but leaving out all clues as to what it is...

the quest for a mountain bike.. a good one that is.

I've been researching mountain bikes online for a few hours now and just can't justify spending the same amount I would on a used car for a new mountain bike.
Used is a good option, guess I'll check out the LBS and see what they have in as far as used bikes I guess.

update

completely forgot about this site again. is there an iphone app for blogger? I need to look into that.

Marathon

26 miles of fun that's what a marathon is,,, pain, fun, same thing right.

Gotta find out more info and get that all put together soon. I was planning on the boston marathon in 09 but with qualifying being so close I don't really see that being possible. But there are other major marathons next year. I want to look into Chicago but I just don't think the Peachtree is a good fit as it will be too hot, way to hot to run that long. I'll try to update with my training progress. Stinks that is so cold out, so it will be off to the treadmill tonight.

Also need to start the xmas shopping stuff, yeah haven't started at all yet. The wrapping part always takes me longer than the shopping part anyway. Also need to start figuring out my moving plan as I'd to be able to start moving at this point next month. Should be pretty quick, and then I get to do some touch up on this place. that part might take a little while....

bravery and confidence

Having the bravery and confidence to put your self out there on the ledge, I have that. But at some point you begin to wonder if it will ever be rewarded. You can only go out there so many times before you discover that it's not really worth the return that never comes. Oh well you have to keep at it people say, but they speak from comfortable places and can't or don't see the place you stand. I'm just so tired, not physically... but my soul. My spirit is weak, the fight within me to go on waynes like a dying flame. It reaches for the sky, but the air runs out. Trapped in a cave is how I feel. I used to run to the cave as it was where I wanted to be more than anywhere else... now though, the cave is bearn and cold. A shell of a palace, a crumbling tower. Overwhelmed by that which I cannot control, yet I let it take hold of me. Sure with people you show the good face, you show that you are strong and that you can overcome anything in your path. Though once alone, the doubt of the day remains and blacks out the light. You wish to lash out against it, to fight back but even the mightiest of us begin to fall in time. This is not where I should be my mind screams out, yet only echos return. Time, my friends is all we have.. we must choose to use it, though without looking it can wash past us. Leaving us with only questions and no time to get the answers. The internal battle to keep going or lay down and die, a battle that goes on without end.

to try

I will be going to the Georgia Force open tryouts this year. Everyone keep your fingers crossed. It's gonna be great to lace up again.

EDIT: 12-15-08 The AFL announced today that they will be suspending the League for the 09 season in hopes of coming back for the 2010 season. Due to sponsor and money issues.


So I guess I won't be going to open tryouts after all. stinks

direction

I'm definately at a cross roads. Four different paths now lay before me, and i have no clue which to choose. I know the one I want to choose but not sure if a road block will pop up on that path as soon as I step foot on it. On the other hand, if it did work out then I'd be extremely happy. I guess I have to try that path first and if it doesn't work then at least I tried right. And I'll revisit the other 3 options at that point if needed.

edit: 8-14-08.

Well, now there's only one path. 2 paths let's just say they crumbled before I took a step in either of those directions. 1 other path was set to flames. So only one remains and I shall sprint down it.

busy

I'll update so, so much to update soon. I had actually forgotten about this site for a while there. busy summer, crazyness reigns.

quote

It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.

Finally!

After 3yrs and 9 months I'm finally moving to a new department at work. And the best part, I get to work from home.


This is truely great as gas prices continue to raise ever higher. The new position also will allow me to travel to clients and learn. Yes, learn. The current position grew very stell(sp?) less than 2 yrs into it. I guess sticking it out finally paid off at the right time. Prayer works!!, it takes time, but works.

still striving toward a house but have decided to wait until Nov/Dec and allow time to save a larger down payment and will the market as it is, I may get a better deal by waiting. I definately do not see the market making a large up swing in the next few months. Gotta make sure it's the right place for at least 5yrs, so we gots to have a back yard, that rules out most town homes.

As some point long ago I blogged about needing to lose weight, well for the past few months I have been working toward that goal. I started out in Oct at 205-210lbs. Now I'm at a much trimmer 180lbs. I still have a ways to go to my end goal, but I'm very happy with my results so far and I'm even back to my HS waist size... that I'm sorry is insane.

a twist as it were

Seems that finally after years of not being able to do anything credit wise, I'm in good shape and will the market being what it is... it's time to buy a house. Just need to find out how much I qualify for soon. Though I'm not sure how to find that out yet, as in who I need to speak with, ya you get it.

I'm hoping a normal house, 2 stall garage, back and front yards, not patches of grass. 2/3 bed rooms and 2+ baths. If that doesn't work then I'll look at townhouses but will still want the 2 stall garage, as needed for phase 2.

Phase 2 can be summed up by one letter. Z.

dark humor quote

Don't take life too seriously.
No one gets out alive anyway.

nope

still not working

damn damn damn

it's an empty feeling that I can't shake.

enough

moving forward.

it took too long to find the words

How does it feel being in these arms?
What's it really like to be loved?
I've been alone now, how long?
Have you ever loved the way that i have?
And i have often wondered who, Who could love you the way i do?
Now i just want you to know, how i'm touched deep in my soul just being with you. And i need you more each day.
Baby, if you're still awake, Call me when you get this.
I've got all this poetry now i didn't know then. I kept inside.
guess i had never seen anything beautiful Till i first saw you asleep at night. And i have often wondered who, Who could love you the way i do?
Now i just want you to know, How i'm touched deep in my soul Just being with you. And i need you more each day. Baby, if you're still awake,
Call me when you get this.
I just wanted to know what it was like, what's it really like to be loved?
These little volcanoes came as a surprise to me.
I never thought i could be this way.
And i have been cautious and i've tried to keep to myself, but who could love you the way i do?
Now i just want you to know, how i'm touched deep in my soul.
Just being with you. So much more each day,
Baby, if you're still awake, Call me when you get this

the same

still stuck in my head and I can't get it clear.

why is it so hard to let go

bad sunday

it's strange that even though there's no apparent hope, I still can't let go.

yep

got back in to my history class, only missed 3 so it' s all good, though I can't miss anymore.
so we progress even as I continue to long for what was.........

The conclusion

8:45pmest

So the end is in sight. Gazing over the edge, what is to be seen?

A new journey , to go where so many others have traveled before......... I just hope I'm right. But even if I'm wrong I'll know and it will be much better than waiting to find out.

All preparation have been made. The monster tended to, and messages left for those who never seem to answer when I call. Why is that... no one ever, it's extremely rare that someone answers when I call. guess no loss there then.

The answer is always ########## someone will figure that out.

I recomend that everyone listen to Hayden's song Bullet off "the closer I get" album.

I'll end with this... Never lose sight of what you have for the things you do not. Love as it's your last day every day. Give your whole heart no matter if it gets broken. Make sure your family knows you love them, even if your family doesn't say I love you. You'll regret if it you don't. Get a dog and love it, for it will love you back a thousand fold. K is the best letter.

the doors open.

email from my sister

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that Wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You Will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so Remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight With your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things An old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, And you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too Many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never Been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset Is a minute of happiness you'll never ge t back. Don 't be Afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never Begin.

not sure who actually wrote that but they did a pretty good job.